how do i use websites again...?
normally, i avoid "metaposting" about social media. discussions about the pros and cons of social media end up being very insular and kind of repetitive, and it's pretty tiring to me. but i need a place to process my thoughts, and well, that's what this blog is for.
i stopped using twitter sometime in 2022, before Musk took over. the psychic damage that the wretched bird site was doing to me was unbearable, and it was impacting my physical health in a very tangible way. i couldn't do it. if it meant dropping off the surface of the earth to anyone who primarily used twitter, then so be it.
tumblr was also driving me insane, so i hid away on cohost for the entirety of that site's lifespan. i've written enough about mourning cohost; so to put it succinctly, it was a website that i really needed at that exact point in my life.
and now, as most people flock to bluesky... i am sitting here, realizing that i don't actually know what i want out of these websites anymore.
i mean that sentiment quite literally. when i say, "i don't know how i feel", i mean it in a very sincere sense. many people seem to use that phrase to imply some kind of conflict or disagreement. but quite often, i find myself completely unable to tell how i feel. it takes me a frustratingly long time to process my emotions.
here's the thing. in the past few years, when i wanted to post to a website, i got used to posting to a smaller-but-passionate audience. it wasn't necessarily where my friends were - cohost was a hard sell for a lot of people, i think i probably used it the most out of nearly everyone i know - but it was where i felt comfortable talking and sharing things.
the way i use social media is somewhat atypical. the concept of "mutuals" makes me deeply anxious. if i follow more than 30-40 accounts, i will mentally explode. i don't feel comfortable resharing posts. rather, i am most comfortable posting in a somewhat one-directional sense; i share things that i have made or worked on, and people may see and interact with my posts if they desire. sometimes i will reply to comments or answer questions, but otherwise, i am very shy and keep to myself.
i have tried to "break out of my shell", so to speak. reshare more posts, comment more, etc. but every time i do, i feel like i am forcing a certain persona on myself... it's just another mask to put on!!! that isn't me. that's not what it looks like when i'm relaxed and socializing comfortably!
my experience with bluesky so far has been... how do i put it. disorienting, maybe? it went from 0 to 100 in the blink of an eye. one moment, my posts were seen by no one. the next moment, i am getting randos who don't follow me, trying to talk to me in ways i find alienating. it's like i sat down with a few friends to get coffee together, and then immediately after we sat down, the cafe got swarmed by people, and now i can't even talk without a stranger overhearing our conversation and trying to butt in.
i'm not sure how i want to talk, either. what tone do i want to project? the way i talk and share things publicly is kind of different from the way i talk in private with close friends. the contrast between everyone else's silly jokes and my weirdly-serious-and-sincere posts is making me self conscious in ways that i haven't felt in a few years. ahhh! i know rationally i should just be myself and not worry about it, but i can't help but feel that i'm doing this wrong.
"but what about the fediverse?", you may ask. well yeah, i've been using that too. it's now my "weird obtuse nerd thing that very few people i know use" website, filling a similar niche that cohost held for me. i'm still not sure how i feel about it, though. it's got that overly insular, techy vibe that cohost had. i've built up my tolerance to it, but it's still alienating. posting to mastodon still feels stilted and awkward to me, and i don't see that feeling going away anytime soon.
i am so lost and adrift, overwhelmed by everything. truthfully, this blog is where i feel most comfortable right now! no character limit restraints, no resharing or mutuals or following lists! it's where i feel most myself, as far as sharing my thoughts go. i'm not putting on a mask to appease others or to fit in. it's a little out of the way and secluded, and that's just the way i like it.