lost in my own head about making art
for some reason, i've fantasized for years about being the kind of artist who always travels around with their iPad Pro by their side, ready to sketch and work on a moment's notice. when i sit down and actually deconstruct this fantasy, it becomes abundantly clear that it's completely unrealistic for me, and born out of incredibly shallow desires.
there's nothing wrong with people who do that. they're not shallow. it's the digital equivalent to carrying a sketchbook with you, and it's certainly more portable and intuitive to use than other digital art mediums.
but there's this mental disconnect i keep experiencing. for a long time - even when i was well into college! - people regarded my preferred medium and my job as some kind of witchcraft. "what, so the computer does all the work for you?", mystified confusion about how it's even possible to draw on a computer, etc etc. explaining it over and over was pretty exhausting. i'd go out of my way to avoid the subject entirely.
i think there was a pretty significant shift in the public consciousness when Apple released the Apple Pencil for iPads. now it was more easily understood and more tangible to people who weren't already familiar with graphics tablets. to be clear - that's a good thing! i know tons of people who love their Apple Pencils.
it's just ... man, i feel weird about seeing aesthetic timelapse videos of people putting down perfect strokes on their iPads, you know? i'm not even seeking out shortform videos - that's a whole other essay - but it makes me feel fuckin uncomfortable seeing them shared by others.
usually those kinds of videos are shared by people who don't draw. it turns the creation of art into a performance for engagement. i don't want to be thinking about how someone will view my art mid-process, imagining an audience looking over my shoulder. that shit makes me deeply anxious and kind of sick to my stomach to think about.
i'm not a stranger to timelapse videos. why, back in my day - and i'm shaking my cane as i say this - i picked up a lot of techniques watching timelapses on oekaki boards. there is value to be found in watching someone else work, seeing their process, etc. but it's the specific way that these shortform videos are shot... how do i put it. overly sanitized, maybe?
they always make me feel miserable to watch. obviously by now i just Do Not Engage. but the feeling has stuck with me, and it lingers in the back of my head. "how come i'm not a jetsetting artist with my expensive digital art tools, drawing perfect faces in a slickly-edited video?" the horrible voice in my head whispers. "how come you're a little freak with your esoteric, slightly insane workspaces? you'd probably broaden your audience more if you posted work that's more palatable to a mainstream audience."
to which i say.........
SHUUUUT UUUUUUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
maybe i LIKE being a little freak. you ever consider THAT, inner brain demons?! at my heart i am a strange and offputting creature! i'm a homebody, a disabled weirdo who has to make myself as physically and mentally comfortable as possible before i can even think about drawing. i already know where walking the path of "mainstream social media engagement" goes, and it leads straight to the hospital with a death wish!!!! No!!!!!!!!! ABSOLUTELY NOT.
i don't even think anyone's even putting those expectations on me. it's just this strange, abstract pressure that i feel sometimes. and i need to just banish them from my mind. that's what i mean by this fantasy being unrealistic and shallow - it's not because it would make sense for me. it's because there's a part of me that wants to fit this idea of what a digital illustrator is, after being cast out for so long.
whatever. i just needed to get these thoughts out of my mind. hopefully i will find some energy to curl up on the couch with my weird laptop setup to get some art done. i've been feeling so lethargic and unfocused lately, and maybe hyping myself up by embracing being a weirdo will help