tales from my portland travels
over the past several months, i have been drowning in stress. it's been nonstop misery and hopelessness around these parts. and earlier this fall, a close friend of mine offered to let me stay with them around Thanksgiving, to give me a break from everything going on in my life. so after mulling it over a bit, i decided that it would be worth dipping into my savings to pay for plane tickets, and booked a trip to Portland.
i kind of kept my plans close to my chest... it was more about spending time with my buddy than doing a lot of sightseeing and meeting up with people. as my departure date grew closer, i got more anxious. it was my first time flying out by myself. honestly, the very idea of going anywhere by myself makes me intensely anxious. (agoraphobia sucks ass.) but... my desire to see my buddy again was stronger than my fear of going outside by myself...!!!!
of course, i couldn't resist bringing my Game Boy Camera along. it's really fun to take pictures with it while i'm out traveling.
(a plane at MSP airport)
the plane trip flying out wasn't too stressful. even though it was before Thanksgiving, it wasn't unbearably busy, and wheelchair assistance was helpful. the weather was clear, there were no delays, and the flight itself was nice and easy. good start!
(photos of the PDX airport. the newly renovated ceiling is very cool - it's a massive lattice made out of wood beams.)
PDX is pretty cool. the last time i was there was back in May, and a lot of it was still closed off for construction. so i got to see more of the airport this time! it's nice and open, and the food/shop options available are really nice. i couldn't resist taking home some Blue Star Donuts on my flight home.
on Wednesday, i got to visit Ground Kontrol Arcade. which ended up working out great, since they had a Free Play event going on. that way, we only had to pay an entry fee, and then we could play as much as we'd like!
(a photo of a Crazy Taxi arcade cab, and some pinball tables)
normally arcades are pretty overwhelming for me... i'm really sensitive to sound, and i can't stand for very long. but i managed to find a stool to sit on and carry around with me, lmao. i got really hooked on playing pinball - i'd never played a real pinball table before that night!! - and had to be pried away from Black Knight 2000. WhoOOOOAaahhhHAHHhhhhhOhhhhhh! YOU'VE GOT THE POWER! (HAHAHA!) YOU'VE GOT THE MIGHT! (NO WAY!) GET READY FOR BATTLE! (GIVE ME YOUR MONEY!) BEAT THE BLACK KNIGHT!!!!
like... ok, i've only ever played pinball in video game form. i especially looooove Pokemon Pinball: Ruby & Sapphire. but playing it in person is so different! the tactile sensation of the flippers and the weight of the ball... and man, the magnet mechanic on the Black Knight tables was REALLY cool!! you can save a ball from getting lost by pressing a button to activate a magnet over a specific spot on the table. it does a whole special lightshow for it, and the ball gets spun up and launched by the magnet... it's sooooo sick.
my buddy made me play Baby Pac-Man, because the arcade had it, and how else are you going to play Baby Pac-Man? you can't exactly emulate it, since it's a weird arcade cab-and-pinball table combo. it was too expensive for most arcades to justify buying back in the day, so it's apparently a pretty rare game, since it sold so poorly. it's really weird and kind of bad, but i found it hard to put down?? it's a baffling thing to experience. you switch between arcade and pinball mode by making Pac-Man go through an "escape tunnel" at the bottom of the screen, which makes the table deploy a ball. the pinball is huge and weirdly heavy, and it's really hard to control lmfao. and you can only get power pellets by doing things on the pinball table. so weird.
afterwards we went to Salt & Straw to get some ice cream, at my insistence.
(pumpkin pie tiramisu ice cream in a cup. yum)
when i visited back in May, i got their honey lavender ice cream, and it was a transcendent experience for me. i looooove lavender flavored things. but i'm really glad i got to try the pumpkin pie tiramisu flavor before it got cycled out. if i'm remembering right, it was a spiced pumpkin ice cream base, with coffee soaked cake pieces, tiny shards of chocolate, and swirls of mascarpone cheese. absolutely delightful.
oh, i got talked into doing karaoke while i was here. i'd never done it before in my life. normally i don't listen to music much, let alone very many songs with lyrics... or uh, use my voice very often... but i was told it'd be fun, and there was going to be a private room. so what the hey. i'll be brave. i'll do it.
(couldn't resist taking a GB Camera selfie while i was all dressed up for karaoke night. also, the rotating lights in the karaoke room made for a cool abstract photo.)
it actually WAS a lot of fun, to my surprise. again, i had to brave the loud environment, but i somehow managed to pull through. and i got to sing Snake Eater from MGS3 and Lonely Rolling Star from Katamari Damacy, so it was all worth it.
also, i'm happy that we managed to make some time to go shopping downtown. Kinokuniya Portland is way bigger than the one in the Chicago area! it makes sense, since it's a separate location and not attached to another store like the Chicagoland one is, but still. i really took my time browsing...
(paying tribute to Miku.)
i ended up getting a copy of Daydream Hour by Ryoko Kui, a collection of sketches by the author of Dungeon Meshi. and some cute stickers... and a nice mechanical pencil... and a new enamel pin for my bag... ehehe.
we went to Powell's City of Books afterwards, since i'd never been there! i knew it was huge, but i really underestimated how huge it was. i'm glad there were so many seats inside, so i could sit and catch my breath while browsing. i bought a copy of Polaris by Meyoco, a very lovely artbook that i'm incredibly excited to flip through later.
(bookshelves of old books on the third floor.)
all in all, i'm really glad i went. admittedly, there were a lot of ups and downs; navigating disability and eating disorders is hard enough for me on my own, and it's even more difficult to try to communicate my needs to other people. but i'm really thankful that i was with someone who really cared about me and truly wanted the best for me. it is honestly really nervewracking to put myself in someone else's care... depending on others for basic needs is a very vulnerable feeling.
like, when i was leaving, the wheelchair assistance i had at PDX was incredibly rude to me. she told me that the assistance was reserved for people who "actually needed it", and because she saw me walk briefly to get scanned in the TSA line, she thought that i was able-bodied and therefore did not need assistance. she really pressured me to cancel my accessibility assistance request, with this weird "ha, gotcha, you're not ACTUALLY disabled" tone of voice. and honestly, i felt incredibly humiliated and shamed. i walk with a cane, and i can't stand for more than a few minutes at a time. anyone who's spent any amount of time with me irl knows how little stamina i have. i almost collapsed 3 times navigating the airport on my own.
i managed to still get the assistance i needed while leaving the plane to go home, but... it left me really shaken, you know? i hate feeling so vulnerable, knowing that the help i need could be taken away in an instant if someone felt like it. having to constantly be an advocate for myself is draining and miserable. i wish i was a more outspoken person, but when i'm stressed, my ability to talk is the first thing to go. it's terrifying.
because of that, i'm thankful for the people in my life who try their best to be accommodating. i know it's not easy caring for me. but it means a lot when people care, and try anyway. figuring out what does and doesn't help is a learning process... for other people and myself, frankly. i often worry that i'm a burden on everyone around me. i'm blown away that there's people out there who love and care about me as much as they do. to me, being reminded of that was the most important thing about this trip. i got to experience a bunch of things i'd never had the courage or energy to try before, with one of my most trusted allies by my side... and my heart is full of love and appreciation.