time has passed
recently, my life has come to a screeching halt. long story short, i had some medical issues suddenly pop up. it's been tough. i think things are heading in a better direction, though? so that's good.
but as a result, i've had a lot of downtime. and not "freedom to focus on whatever i want" sort of downtime - which feels fantastic - but "i can't really do anything but just sit and wait for my body to recover". this is a special type of hell for me. i thrive on having projects to focus on and complete. and yet... i haven't been able to do much of anything, for reasons outside of my control!!!
so. in the meantime. i've been doing a lot of brainstorming about what sort of things could improve my day-to-day life, what's within my power to achieve, etc. for example: i've made some major ergonomic upgrades to my workspaces, with the help of some very kind birthday gifts from friends and family. it's been a huge improvement already!
i had a realization, though. even before my sudden health issues, i've been drifting aimlessly from day to day. the days of the week do not really hold much meaning to me, other than "the days that my friends have off from work". time also does not have much meaning to me; i tend to stay up late because of my friend group's schedules, but i've been barely sleeping lately because of my Assorted Ailments.
i can spend months and years letting time slip through my fingers, fumbling through a depressive fog. and on a smaller scale: i'll frequently lose myself working on a project during the day, suddenly feel faint and dizzy, realize that i never made any plans for dinner, and start panicking because now i am too unwell to stand around and cook.
and i thought: maybe i need to make an effort to have more of a routine. being a weird disabled hermit who stays inside and works on art projects all day doesn't really lend itself to much structure. i've been doing whatever, whenever, and... i kind of hate it!!!!! i regularly forget to eat, i don't make enough time to do things i want to or should be doing. i'm miserable!
in the back of my head, i feel deeply "uncool" for this - like i shouldn't care and should just keep floating around aimlessly. and i can easily imagine other people flippantly saying that they're jealous of how much time i have on my hands, because people love to say this to me. to which i respond: Please God Don't Say This. i am in pain every single day. i am privileged enough to have a support system and live a somewhat comfortable life, all things considered. but i hate feeling so helpless, and frail, and constantly aware of how one unexpected disaster could completely topple that support system.
all of that aside: maybe i should not feel so cringe for wanting to willingly put more structure into my life. maybe it is OK that i want to start setting myself reminders to get up and stretch and start working on dinner. and to stop treating food like this evil task that i am resigned to fulfill every single day, because i think that's become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
the sentiment "perhaps i just have to romanticize everyday life more" popped into my head at one point, but i'm not sure that's 100% what i want. i think it's useful for me to take time to appreciate things in life - every single time i actually take the time and effort to cook, i'm happy i did - but i don't have to be heads-over-heels everything, you know? it's alright if i'm not enthusiastic about sweeping the floors. someone's gotta do it, though.
anyway, i'm gonna start slowly incorporating more routines into my life, and see how i feel about it. i started doing my makeup again more regularly - even though i'm a shut-in who doesn't really see anyone irl - because the process of doing it is honestly fairly grounding to me. and recently i started making homemade iced coffee, which has me looking forward to actually eating after waking up. still working on a way to get myself to cook dinner and do physical therapy exercises regularly, but... hopefully i'll get there